Laying Here

It's weird when you just aren't tired. I stayed up super late, even had a few drinks, and was overly worried about someone. You'd think I'd be passed out- but I almost feel like sleeping is out of the question.

At times I feel like the only person that can really understand me- is me. We tell people how they "get us", or understand us. In the end, however, our minds belong to us and we are our own psychologists. A friend once said to me, "how many times can we unload our issues onto everyone else until they stop being our friends and become our psychologists". There's a thin line between being there for someone and being their guidance counselor. But in the end, where would be without them either? We just continue with our pats on the back and words of encouragement and hope to make a difference. Fortunately most of the time, we do.

We all want to be wanted and needed by others, sometimes to a point where we open our mouths to say something smart, or witty, or sarcastic in order to gain some sort of respect we just sound like an idiot. I sound like an idiot a lot. Not that I try to of course. My mind moves probably 3 times faster than my mouth can speak and form words. I'm always "spacing out" or messing up what I'm saying in a conversation. I'll be saying something while already formulating my next point of discussion. Sometimes it's aggravating to me, and sometimes to other people it'll seem like I'm entirely disinterested because when I'm trying to formulate everything I don't speak at all. This post itself is a good example of how my mind skips around. I came into this thinking about love- but everyone knows I'm all about love. I could talk about it for hours. When I started typing, this information is what started to come out.

I really miss writing. It used to be something I couldn't stop doing. I feel like I'm better understood through what I write as well. I know I have a lot to offer but come across dumb sometimes, or immature. There's something that clicks on with me at the workplace that most other people don't see that brings out this more mature side. When I received every internship and job I ever applied for I downplayed everything and called myself lucky. I let the people around me talk about how far they'd go and what they will do in the world and the amounts of talent they possess. They no doubt have it, and I can attest to that as well- for I've seen the drives of others and I know, especially those I'm close friends with, will go extremely far. However, I can not ignore my own talents either. I have an innate drive I don't share with many, ideas that could fill a book, and a work ethic that has landed me every job. So, I don't really consider myself "lucky" in the sense that it was a gambler's throw and I landed a spot. I do think I was lucky because I was given an opportunity to better my present self.

It's funny to think sometimes that when I was in high school, posting poetry online, I'd have adults commenting on them telling me I was "wise beyond my age". But really, I was throwing words together that formed inside my head. Don't get me wrong, I felt every last word like the syntax had a musical rhythm flowing out of my hands. But somehow the words just made sense to put down together on paper. The most interesting thing with poetry is when other people critique it, since we live in an unrelenting critiqing world and it's impossible to escape the skeptical glares of another. People can make their assumptions on what or who the subject matter is, and I love when people try, but only I know in the end. It's kind of like when someone sees you react a certain way to a compliment or a put down and they then assume you'll act that way every time. Poetry written by a singular person is bound to have skeptics looking for patterns and symbols. Sometimes when I wrote, I didn't think about anything at all- I just let my hand write. Sometimes I actually think that the poems where I put my own mind to it, didn't come out as good as I wanted them to.

Poetry and music are almost synonymous to me. They both have this way of flowing through me and creating images and ideas. Sometimes I don't even need the lyrics. I just need a rhythm or beat and I can literally feel it coursing through me. Every kick hitting the beat in my heart creating this overwhelming feeling. I don't even need to elaborate more because I can't fully explain it, because the one thing people have a hard time understanding is how someone else is feeling. As empathetic as you might be, as I used to be, you cannot feel exactly what someone else feels. You can certainly try, and definitely get close, but everyone feels things in their own way. So to be capable of duplicating that feeling would be like saying you have the same fingerprint.

I just had another topic jump into my head. It's similar to what I was talking about with the empathy, but it takes a different turn. I think that we never really stop learning about ourselves. We will continue to learn about ourselves until we die. Now take that, and square it. Now you have a friend, or lover, or family member who you are also learning about. You're learning who they are, what makes them tick, what they love, hate, admire, aspire to do. Through all of this not only do we learn about the other individual but it boosts our understanding of ourselves. We learn about ourselves through others. Not that we selfishly use others to learn about ourselves, but that in understanding another we come to understand ourselves. It's mutually beneficial. I think that's why I've always felt that I needed to be with someone who is almost completely opposite of me. Not only do I get the thrill and chance to unravel who they are for the rest of my life, but as I do I learn more and more about who I am. This bringing the two of us even closer together.

I guess my body wants to go back to sleep. But I'm glad I got all of this down before I forgot it.

Posting this because I need to

I've changed my mind a few times on this blog on what I want to do with it. I've decided I'm just going to let it do what it wants. I can't post all the time...as you all can tell. But when I do you'll see it...because it will be here.

I'm in this weird spot. Like I don't know what to do. I'm caught in this mindset, where I feel like I have an injustice being done to me...but it's nothing that major. It's not an insecurity as much as it is a moral of mine. It was an insecurity...but not anymore. Now, I just need time. Time to deal with what this world decided to deal me. Time to deal with the fact that I can't always get exactly what I want to make myself feel better. Sometimes, there is no middle ground and all I can do is throw down my defenses. -No matter how humiliating it is-

I mean..what would you do to be with the person you knew you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your time with?

Compromises can't ALWAYS be made...I mean..that would just be the cookie cutter relationship wouldn't it?

Sometimes, what they want is just more important than how you feel. Even though that goes both ways. Here I am, thinking about life. Something I used to do a lot...and lost it. I used to lay alone and think about how love works, how the stars are out there...waiting for us to go to them, where everything goes one day, and just how amazing that night sky is when you lay beneath it.

I miss laying under those stars.
I miss when things were easier.
It sucks thinking you have a spot to defend when you really don't. I know I got the best thing I could of asked for on that July 16th. It's just hard to keep thinking that I'm good enough for this, when all the conversations that happen around me seem to be so much more intelligent than the ones with me. The talks lay there...filled with air...asking for substance. Then you argue because you cant find anything to talk about? what does that mean? Does it mean there's nothing on a common level to talk about? Or that the conversation has just gone dry....from the start of it.
I want to get those thing back so badly. Those talks under the stars. The walks, the hikes, the long talks, the things we have in common.

I'm in love...have you heard?

It all get's better.

I used to tell myself that the problem I saw would just be gone one day. Just..go away. But, you cant think that far ahead...and I surely cant make predictions. Best intentions don't mean best overall. So I deal with it now...no matter how much it silently hurts...because I've had my share of talks. I'll keep it to myself. It always gets better.

I have no doubt that things work themselves out and we will be together just like I've been seeing in us.
Don't let us lose that. Because I sure wont.

Signed,

I love you.

Awkward Family Story

Awkward Family Story

I just saw this online, and died laughing.


This isn't a normal post...that will be happening later on today. But I figured I would share this with everyone =]. It gave me something to laugh at.

Today....is a great day.

So, before I post a poem...I need to talk about today.

For anyone who considers themselves even minutely connected to the world of Harry Potter is well aware of tonight's premiere. THIS will be an epic night....full of wins.
I will, of course, be stationed at a theater approximately two hours before the start of the film to get good seats. I bought my tickets over a week ago.

I am also wearing a striped rugby shirt, not unlike the Ravenclaw Quidditch jersey. AND carrying around my Harry Potter wand....it is an exact replica of the wand used in the films....yes...i know...you can laugh.

Basically, the day is going amazingly well and the weather is strangely nice too.
I am currently at work, sitting with Bekka. =] I was hitting her with a newspaper before, which was entertaining. Now she's staring at a pair of shoes and I'm typing this.

So, please enjoy today's poem.
After the poem I will give a brief explanation of the poem I posted last night.
This poem's description will appear tomorrow....please post your comments on what you feel it's meanings are til then.

The Meaning of the Moment

Mindless-

Indulging in the

Wasteful time

Leisure provides,

Ticking clocks

Show you no sympathy-

Longing for a drawn out

Sunrise,

Hoping the moon can retain

Its stay,

Wishing the setting sun wouldn't

Disappear behind the hills.

Our watches only move forward,

While we remain stagnant

In our thoughts.

_______________________________________________________________

Yesterday's poem was about the importance of perseverance and the motion to carry on. The woods are something we can all connect with as a notion of getting lost. This correlates to losing ourselves and having to find our way out of failure, sadness, a tough spot, etc. I have a thing for folklore, superstitions, legends, and myths so instead of working with simple shadows and darkness to be "upon my back" I chose Daevas. 

Daevas are actually Zoroastrian "wrong gods". They are false gods made of shadow who were accredited to the promotion of disorder and chaos.There is a list of Daevas who stand for multiple ways for devastation, but they all have the common goal- the fall of man. So, they serve as a weight and terror for humankind. The moral standpoint of the poem is to push past these immoralities and road blocks and to make the long journey into a place full of "light". Light being the absence of hardship.

The Weather Sucks

So, I have tons of stuff to do, but I wrote this today and it needs to go up.

 In The Mist

Without a saddle

I've ridden for too long,

The trail's dust ridden

And lined with dead

Crusted oaks-

I've lost my warmth

And my clothes are

Damp and worn.

Brown hat on top.

I can only trudge on,

Mocked by the Daevas

Casting their forms

Upon my back.

This mist wood will

Be my battle match,

But I've got a light to

Search for-

Perseverance will

Prevail.

PLEASE, let me know what you think. 

I have come up with a new idea...I'll post a poem...then the next time I post one I'll talk about what the last one's inner meaning was. What i'd like to happen is for my followers or anyone reading to leave me a comment and tell me your interpretation of what I wrote. I like when the creative juices are flowing. Hobey-ho.

And the posts keep on going!

I've still been dealing with a lot, but I'm really excited today. I'm attaching a poem to express how happy/anxious/crazy excited I am.

Gone Fishing

Before you filled my life

The sun set an hour faster.
The minutes went by-

I watched them

As they floated by

Down the creek.

Like skipping stones

I was living them with no care.

Never did I think about who 

Could cast a net to spend those minutes

With me.

Spend moment to moment

In a euphemistic state.

The sun sets an hour later.

Also, I'm not huge on Glee by any means.

AND- I'm not a fan of Katy Perry at all....at all.

But her song "Teenage Dream" was sung on Glee this past Monday and it was AWESOME.

I'm Posting it here for you all to see.

 

Let me know what you all think! And have a great weekend.

When the World Gets Turned Upside Down

I'm not perfect. I am clearly human, and I don't pretend to be exceptional. I am who I am. We all make mistakes, large and small, and working through those mistakes are what make us stronger people in the end. I'm not trying to sound philosophical either...that's just the truth.
I'm going to be optimistic.

Aviation

We’ve got our baggage,

Hoping the world can handle it

As we pass through the metal detector

And board the plane to our destiny.

Nothing stops us as we pass

People on the way to the waiting area,

Making acquaintances as the crowd rushes on.

The ticket taker is our favorite teacher from school

Moving us onto the path to our future.

Boarding that plane you’ll pass by the faces

Of those close to you.

Up front is your family-

Your parents in first class

And so forth back into the plane.

However,

You make your way to the cockpit-

Where you take the controls

And manage the course to the horizon-

With your true love beside you.