I've changed my mind a few times on this blog on what I want to do with it. I've decided I'm just going to let it do what it wants. I can't post all the time...as you all can tell. But when I do you'll see it...because it will be here.
I'm in this weird spot. Like I don't know what to do. I'm caught in this mindset, where I feel like I have an injustice being done to me...but it's nothing that major. It's not an insecurity as much as it is a moral of mine. It was an insecurity...but not anymore. Now, I just need time. Time to deal with what this world decided to deal me. Time to deal with the fact that I can't always get exactly what I want to make myself feel better. Sometimes, there is no middle ground and all I can do is throw down my defenses. -No matter how humiliating it is-
I mean..what would you do to be with the person you knew you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your time with?
Compromises can't ALWAYS be made...I mean..that would just be the cookie cutter relationship wouldn't it?
Sometimes, what they want is just more important than how you feel. Even though that goes both ways. Here I am, thinking about life. Something I used to do a lot...and lost it. I used to lay alone and think about how love works, how the stars are out there...waiting for us to go to them, where everything goes one day, and just how amazing that night sky is when you lay beneath it.
I miss laying under those stars.
I miss when things were easier.
It sucks thinking you have a spot to defend when you really don't. I know I got the best thing I could of asked for on that July 16th. It's just hard to keep thinking that I'm good enough for this, when all the conversations that happen around me seem to be so much more intelligent than the ones with me. The talks lay there...filled with air...asking for substance. Then you argue because you cant find anything to talk about? what does that mean? Does it mean there's nothing on a common level to talk about? Or that the conversation has just gone dry....from the start of it.
I want to get those thing back so badly. Those talks under the stars. The walks, the hikes, the long talks, the things we have in common.
I'm in love...have you heard?
It all get's better.
I used to tell myself that the problem I saw would just be gone one day. Just..go away. But, you cant think that far ahead...and I surely cant make predictions. Best intentions don't mean best overall. So I deal with it now...no matter how much it silently hurts...because I've had my share of talks. I'll keep it to myself. It always gets better.
I have no doubt that things work themselves out and we will be together just like I've been seeing in us.
Don't let us lose that. Because I sure wont.
Signed,
I love you.
